I've not blogged in years and my last post titled, "Why Be Miserable?" I honestly do not recall what I had written back then, but today's mood - as you would have guessed - is gonna feel miserable.  

When did I first draft this post? Seems like it was 2nd Aug 2020 at 11:15pm. When I was utterly upset with someone. I didn't continue it as it "resolved" and up till a couple of days ago, I thought I would be able to delete this draft. Never would I have thought, it's a preceding event that would eventually lead to the completion of this post today.

So what did I write that night? Here goes:

I've always had a dream of finding someone to build a family with. Someone whom I wait for to come home, only to give him a hug to welcome him home after a long hard day at work; someone whom I willingly want to look after, even through doing little insignificant things, such as cooking meals for him, doing his laundry, making sure he is well and enjoy life's little things like delicious treats with him. Someone who makes me wanna improve myself for the better, for him AND for myself, so I turn out to be a better person over time. Someone to grow old with, accumulate life's little memories here and there, to look at and reminisce when we're both old. Two rekindled spirits wanting to spend their lives together, and mature together. It all sounds too idealistic but beautiful, isn't it?

Egged on by my kay poh colleagues at work, I had signed up for various dating apps. I'd even secretly signed up for a dating service and paid almost 3K for it. And all these started almost 2 years ago. August 2018?

I met this guy whom I thought was the one I was looking for. We both were family oriented. We share quite a number of similarities. He was sensible and had good mannerisms. We hit it off well. He was fun to chat with the first night we connected. But we were nothing more than Internet chat mates.

I knew I'd fallen for him that very night. Every single text from him, I was always looking forward to...

STOP. 

Yeah I stopped there and then because I was fatigued. I couldn't remember, but either he replied me late that night, or I was too tired that I fell asleep and didn't finish posting. More likely the latter. 

I'm updating this post today because I'm feeling anguished. I have no one who cares enough for me to pour my heart out to, and I feel extreme loneliness. It feels like my world has collapsed, and that things will never be the same again. My soul is badly wounded, and I feel like I'm gonna die any moment. I feel as if all my energy has been sucked out of me, and I don't quite want to live anymore. I couldn't sleep that very night - 26th Aug 2020; I've never had insomnia before in all 32 years of my life, and that very night, I couldn't fall asleep. Random thoughts keep running through my mind. They wouldn't stop. Hurtful words keep repeating themselves, I just felt more and more miserable.  Eventually at 5am I managed to fall asleep, yet it only lasted 1.5 hours (I had a nightmare; I dreamt that I was supposed to be taking my A levels Math and Physics and I couldn't remember any formulae) and was wide awake at 7:30am. I tried my best not to open my eyes, I tossed and turned and still couldn't fall asleep. When I finally did, it was probably 8 plus, and it only lasted another 1.5 hours... Well at least I kinda had sufficient sleep to last me through almost the day. 

The man in question was Baldev Singh. After matching on the Coffee Meets Bagel app in August 2018, we had a great night chatting with each other till 3am. He was fun and interesting. He had mannerisms. I told him how I had wanted to give up continuing the app, and that I was chatting with 2 other guys (who were much more boring than him) and he said he would wait in line and not cut queue. He proposed that we be exclusive to each other if we feel it's worth a shot. That was when I was mesmerized by him. I knew that night that I had fallen for him. I went to sleep that night imagining us kissing if we met. Too fast, you would say. But that's how he swept me off my feet. 

Thinking back, he was never quite honest about his thoughts (although he kept saying that I was the only one who managed to enter his heart almost all his life). He led me on a wild chase. He was never clear about his thoughts about us. He gave vague answers. His life starting taking a turn for the worse and he went into clinical depression (he self-diagnosed and I agreed it was so, given my clinical expertise). He was suicidal. There were so many times he would mention plans of suicide and I had to try my best to stop him (over text, I did not know where he lived or had contacts of his family). I freaked out at the thought of losing him. I thought it was because he was unhappy with his new job. It was only in Jan 2020 that I found out that cause of his depression was an ex-girlfriend whom he loved deeply had broken up with him in 2018. I was crushed. I never once thought that there was a third party standing in my way towards him. Since then, I had always wondered if he had gotten over her. I had this scenario in the back of my mind that one day, if she had decided to take him back, he would definitely run back to her. That even if we had gotten married, she would always be a threat. 

He did tell me that he only wanted to be friends in Dec 2018. But he was really low in his life, and I realised that I couldn't just leave him in a ditch and let him be. I decided to take up the role of his therapist. I probably didn't really do much; he has to do most of the healing himself; but eventually he got better in the beginning of 2020. He managed to eat his meals properly, he stopped crying (or perhaps, he stopped telling me), he was putting effort into his job, he was going out to meet his friends. He asked me questions that misled me: Would I prefer a HDB or a condo? Would I be okay to live with his mum? (He even mentioned that his mum liked me) Where would I want to go for honeymoon? I thought things were finally turning in the direction that I wanted to. That he finally was ready to love, and that he wanted to love me. That all my waiting from end 2018 till Jan 2020 was beginning to pay off. That my patience was starting to see results. That finally, I was to have a boyfriend. 

In May 2020, he randomly asked me if I had enough leave to get married. Wasn't this a proposal? That was the happiest night of my life. That someone wanted to marry me, and I could look forward to making my childhood dream come true. That I had found someone who loved me and accept me for who I was (my inferiority complex regarding my physical looks and size). I started panicking about not having enough time to plan for a wedding. Worried that I didn't quite saved up for a wedding and the expenses that I would have to face. He further led me on when he randomly asked on another day if I would be okay to have the wedding at Crowne Plaza Hotel. I really really thought we were gonna be a couple. Finally, my turn to get married! 

Red lights started to flash when he postponed a couple of our meet-ups. He refused to call them 'dates'. When I asked him what we were, he would never give me a proper answer. To the point that I told him what was at stake for me: my career, my retirement plans, my savings - he refused to address my questions squarely in the face and give me clear directions. I had asked clearly, "Are we really getting married?" He said, "I don't know. I can only tell you at the end of the year. I haven't settled my career yet. But if I had remained in MINDEF (that was where he was working when we matched), we would have been married by now." I felt a sense of relief. It wasn't the clearest answer, but at least, it felt like he wanted to marry me. Just that he didn't feel financially ready because he didn't have a "proper career that he wanted". I let it go that day. Although I heard a small part "what if we don't get married?". I ignored that small part. 

I should not have ignored it; over the next few days/weeks, he didn't want to chat much with me. He would tell me, "Okay time to watch TV!", "Time for bed!", but stalking him would show that he was last seen at 3am. Or still online at 1 plus am. There was one night we had dinner together. He accidentally showed me a picture of his selfie with a Chinese lady. Just the two of them. He seemed happy in the picture. She looked slim and pretty. He had never taken a selfie with me despite us going out a couple of times in the past. He quickly swiped the picture away. I had questions but  I couldn't ask. Because I was not his girlfriend. I had no rights to ask. When my night shift was over this Monday, I wanted to plan for our Sunday meeting (which was supposed to be on 30th Aug). He had to postpone again. But this time, he said it was for his job. He had a major meeting to prepare for on 1st Sep. I was disappointed but I tried to understand. But I really missed him a lot. I asked if he would be available for a quick dinner at Macs (I would be willing to travel to Nex where he lives since I was off the whole week), given that his mum usually worked night shift on Wednesdays. He didn't want to give a direct reply. 

The last straw was on Wed afternoon. I had sent him a card to encourage him in his job search, and I wrote lots of "I love you" in various languages in the card. He received it on Tues evening. Instead of showing positive feelings of adoration, he told me to stop giving him surprises. That he couldn't reciprocate. Mind you, since his "wedding proposal" in May, I had the courage to send him hugs and kisses and love emoticons in our text messages and he did not reject me (neither did he send me back any...or maybe one huge red heart when he was drunk). I asked if he didn't like surprises from me. He didn't give a direct reply. But the phrase about him not being able to reciprocate struck an alarm in me. Coupled with him postponing the Sunday meeting, and not being willing to even meet me for a short dinner, and seemingly less willing to engage me in text messaging, and my own internal battle about the mixed signals he sent me that was driving me crazy and what I was to him, I asked him directly about his feelings for me on Wed afternoon. I had a premonition that the answer will not be what I wanted to hear, and I cried myself to a nap in the very same afternoon. He only got back to me that Wed fateful Wed night. That he did not reject my acts of love but he couldn't do the same for me. He tried to love me but THERE WAS NO SPARK. It was only feelings of best friend and sisterly love (from a brother). That he couldn't raise his feelings for me to a romantic level. That I was wife material and that he would be happy with me but it would be a loveless marriage because the romantic love has to be there for a marriage to work, and that YES WE WOULD HAVE BEEN MARRIED NONETHELESS IF HE WAS STILL IN MINDEF. That's when anguish and anger set in for me. Why did he led me on all these while? Especially since May? Why did he even propose marriage before his claims of he tried to love me took place? I didn't really feel his effort in trying to love me. Did he send me gifts? No. Did he remember all the nitty gritty details of my life? No. He even last minute backed out of a dinner date with my family in June! Why was I so infatuated with him? Why didn't I pick up all these red flags before I sank in so deeply after the proposed marriage? Why did he still confirmed the idea of a marriage if he had a good career? Yes I signed up to be your therapist when you were in depression, but I did not expected to be played like this. If you were trying to love me, but is unsure of the outcome, THEN DON'T COME TO PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO ME, AS IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DECIDED TO WANT ME FOR LIFE! And he still had the cheek to ask me to remain his best friend although I was badly bruised. Look, YOU WERE BADLY BRUISED BY YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND, BUT CAN'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT I AM SIMILARLY BADLY BRUISED BY YOU?! YOUR BRUISES CAME FROM A 4 YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER BUT I DIDN'T LOVE YOU ANY LESS IN THE 2 YEARS I HAD KNOWN YOU. MY BRUISES CAN BE WORSE THAN YOURS! It's further an insult that I was wife material, that I am good but there's no spark. WHAT THE SHIT? I am so fucking angry now. So in the last few months I had played the role of a fiancee, you enjoyed the care and love but didn't want to reciprocate and now you've decided that you don't want me anymore? Why is it that you are allowed to control this from the beginning to the end? And you asked me to date other guys and want to vet them before I officially become an item with them? IF YOU YOURSELF ARE UNABLE TO WALK OUT OF THE HURT YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP GAVE YOU, WHY AM I EXPECTED TO ACT LIKE I AM NOT HURT AND CAN MOVE ON IMMEDIATELY? You bastard, you idiot, you fucktard! 

Okay. I'm feeling better now. I have now realised what I have to do in order to overcome my heartache. It is to replace sadness with anger. I think I am allowed to feel angry for the 2 years I have spent waiting for you, and that I am entitled to rage given the misleading ideas you have given me in the last 3 months. I hereby curse you, that you will never ever meet the woman of your dreams. You will never ever feel a spark for any woman and will remain single till the end of your life. You will regret your vagueness and come begging for me. And it shall be up to me to decide what I will do with you. I WILL LIVE A BETTER LIFE THAN YOU, ASSHOLE. But why does my heart still ache despite letting the anger out..?