{ Saturday, April 15, 2006 } 1:46 AM

WHAT THE HELL LA

I'm really in no mood for anything. I feel like giving up. I am giving up. Giving up on trust, giving up on hope, giving up on everything. I don't have dreams. I don't have hope. I have nothing but shit.

I am so depressed that I just changed my blog song if you haven't realised. It's called Utter Misery, featured in Dae Jang Geum. It's being played whenever Jang Geum can't be with Jeong-Ho. It's just like me never ever being able to be with my dreams, the medicine faculty.

Firstly, I am already depressed that I didn't get the results that the tutors expected of me. But I don't care about that now. I have no mood to. The damned thing is that I got a band 3 for Project Work, which is PW.

The bands available are 1, 2, 3 and 4. I got a 3?!?!?!?!?! What the hell la. How can I get a three? I can't believe it you know. I really did put in effort for PW. Who wouldn't, when he or she has a dream course to go into? Who wouldn't, when he/she knows that PW is needed for university entry? Damn it I know la. IJC wants us to become engineers I already can't believe it already. Now making us go into Engineering by giving us shit grades - you want me to die is it?

How strong do you want me to be? How much more do you want me to endure? In the comments you write that I've been showing constant improvements. In all the drafts that I do you tell me that it's almost perfect. And then in my trial OP you tell me I did a great job. And see what happened? Why did you have to lie to me? What have you not told me the truth all along? Why did you have to give me hope? Why? Is it because I hate Maths? Is it because you like Maths? I don't know. And on the day of release of the results you tell me, "I saw it coming."

I asked you, "Did you really think we deserve a band 3?" You tell me, "Yeah, 'cos I can't see the effort there." But I really did my best. In my OP. I know my English standard isn't as good as Sourisha's, but I really tried. Is it my fault that I can't pronounce words the professional way? Do you have to mark me down because I can't pronounce "thanks"? Why give me hope?

How can the assessors mark me down because my voice is low, and hence you can't really make out my presentation? I spoke out loud. I performed better than the Arts classes. I got stumped at Q&A 'cos you FREAKING SKIPPED MY TURN TO ANSWER A QUESTION AFTER ASKING SERENE AND GONE OFF TO LESTER AND DANIS BEFORE COMING BACK TO ME. AND THE QUESTIONS YOU ASKED THEM ARE FREAKING EASY LA. THE QUESTION YOU ASKED ME IS DAMN DIFFICULT YOU KNOW. AND YOU MARK ME DOWN JUST LIKE THAT. SHIT YOU MAN.

And in the comments, you used "generally" twice or thrice. What kind of impression are you trying to give to the moderators? Are you helping IJC do well or are you just out to kill us?

And you, too. You tell me, "yes, christy, you have the potential to go into medicine, don't worry." And now, I get a band three, how am I supposed to apply? PW mainly focuses on teamwork. Doctors in operations require teamwork. If they infer that my teamwork level is low from my band three, THEY WILL NEVER ACCEPT ME. Why do I still have to work hard for? What more can I dare to hope for? Why, did you have to do this?

I feel like crying, but I have no tears. If I cried, I'll most probably feel better. Just how much longer do you want me to hold out? When do you want to stop all this? How many times DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THAT BEING IN IJC ALREADY MADE ENTRY INTO NUS MEDICINE DIFFICULT, AND THAT HAVING RESULTS OTHER THAN A BAND 1 WILL REALLY DIMINISH ALL HOPE? But you tell me, "We can't do anything. Let it go. We deeply regret this outcome too."

Bullshit. All the talk about achieving our dreams, to be stars. Reach for the stars? We can't even see the DAMNED STARS.

Or, do stars exist at all?

MY FAMILY IS NOT LIKE GRACE WONG AND ALSTON. THEY SAY THEY AREN'T RICH, BUT THEY DON'T LIVE IN POVERTY LIKE I DO. ALSTON'S DAD CAN JOLLY WELL SEND HIM TO AUSTRALIA FOR FURTHER STUDIES, BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN PAY MY LOCAL UNIVERSITY FEES. Why do you have to make me go through all these? What did I do wrong?

The main objective of setting up IJC is to take in the extra dragon babies. And what did you do? Dump most of the students here. Though I put IJC my first choice, but till now, after 1.5 years, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't regret. Do we have to take the A Levels at the end of the year? We'll still get the same results next year. There's no point.

National average band 1 and 2 percentage is 70 odd. In IJC percentage band 1 and 2 is only ten odd. Difference is 60%!!! What more do I have to say to make my point? And people outside are speculating that the national average is so damn low because IJC PULLED IT DOWN.

WHAT THE HELL AM I HOLDING ONTO? False hopes. Can anyone wake me up, and tell me that all these are just nightmares, and everything is fine? I really rather I never knew about my score at all. Why did I hold on for so long in the first place?